20th September 1953
Well allo agin ole fings. Its bin a rite o'long time ago since I ad a chance ter talk ter ya.
Fustly ow ya awl bin a doin ... awlrite I ope.
We've bin wholly bisy ere a gittin tha arvest in, poor ole Lofty as bin working ten t' tha duzen on is lurry an thas really spoiled is social life, so ees got a lot a lorst time ta meark up fa - an plenty o aystacks ta do it in - that'll make a change cus ee's flatten'd a bit grass in is time !! Looks like summers nearly gorne - tha swifts ave awl gorne, an tha ouse martins are tryin ta catch em up an o'course tha lite is a fadin fast in the evenins now.
In chuuch larst Sunday tha wicar Rouen Smethwick was offerrin is fanks fa a nuvver successful arvest an suggestid that we awl deserved a bit of a treat, awl were ask'd ta bring sum food an sorft drinks an we'd ave a bit of a git tergever at tha chuuch on Saterday nite.
Well cum Saterday evry one wus busy gittin fings ready. Muvver an Poly set out tha tearbles an Ivy shut tha pust orfice early so she could giv a and an git tha glasses laid owt. Ted shut the Duck an Ferrit an loadid up is wheelbarra wiv tha biggist marra ya ave ever seen an eadid on up ta tha chuuch. Ol Ted wus a makin is way up tha road wen along cum Lofty who givs im a bit of a sideways look, ee fought ee ad a bit o compertishun in tha brooch an earrings departmint (cud ave bin tha way tha marra laid in Teds barra ).
What a nite!! When tha willage let's its air down it really goes fa it in a big way. Tha Rev. Thespis, frum St.John's at Farby, open'd up tha nite wiv a joke
"Do we git virgin wool frum ugly sheep ?"
Tha bash went down ill frum thar in. Janet tha teacher stode up an said
"Can anyone name tha first women on the earth ?"
Ted said "Give us a clue "
Janet said "Fink of an apple"
Fowey said "Grannie Smith".
Jimi an Smiffy wus up ta thair usual braggin gearmes. Smiffy reckon'd ee'd pulled a bird tha uther nite an Jimi say ta me
"Ya betta be a checkin your ens Farmer Childs"
P.C. Gallip-Orf erd this an took Smiffy aside an arsk im is date of burth ee say 5th July, same every year!! Gallip-Orf say ee was doin spot checks while ee wus about it well Jimi say ow abowt two black eads an a boil.
Well fings wus agoin frum bad ta wurse when Smiffy said eed brort a sorft drink, two bottles of 100% wodka (meark ya sorft wen ya drink it dont it ?) which ee ad kindly put in tha christenin font wiv tha uther sorft drinks. Cockburn an Fowey, not slow on the uptake, dint loose no time a gittin this ere cocktail down thair necks, an time tha wicar Rouen startid ta play Winnie's piano party on tha ol organ, Cockburn an Fowey were up on tha altar gittin thair unda clothin orf. Poor ol Ivy turn'd away cause they say if ya look you'll go blind - well she fort she wud risk one eye. Muvver she say she'd sin it awll afore, an anyrate frum tha back they awl look like Lenny the Lion's fearce. Janet wus suffin savige - she'd forgottin er glasses an coudn't quite see proper. She fort it wus tha Rev.Thespis who wus a gittin is kit orff an er eyes wus out like chapel at pegs. That ere sorft drink certainly loosened em up.
'The nite wus brought ta a sharp close when Fowey let this ere "RIPPER GO"!! WELL......It fluttered tha bottom of is trowsers........It stung ya eyes...... It burnt ya nose........ It evern burnt tha alta clorth!!!
Tha wicar stopped playin an apoligized fa tha smell an ask'd every one to put thair fags owt while we still 'ad a chuuch standin. The W.I. ladies grabbed 'old o' Fowey an went ta work a fillin is pants wiv that thar pot porie stuff, an now tha silly ol bugga smells like tha unny-cart on a gud day. Thas wot ya git when ya go a showin orf ta tha wicar.
Well me bewties weve awl gort a wholl lot o'warshin up ta dew, an weve gotta clean owt tha christinin font readi fa tha bearbies in tha chuch on Sunda. Seems ta me weve awl got a wholl lot a worshipin ta dew ta put this lot rite wiv tha man upstairs !!
Well Bye Bye Me Bewties
Dew Yew Keep A Gud Lite
P.S. Me an Muvver ave bin a riten ta ya awl now fa quite sum time an now tha nites are a pullin in it wud be wholly nice ta ear frum ya .... so dew ya drop us a line. An anyrate ow dew ya spect ta be on my chrismas card list iffin I dunt now where ta find ya!!