19th January 1953
Now lisen ere togevva an git ya spectarkils on so ya can read this ere tail.
Now Mabel the bar maid at the Duck & Ferrit cum to the farm ta boorer our big puddin sorsepan cus Douglas Begone Brain at the big ouse is avin a party nite at the pub, and Mabel's gonna cook thar ol' rabbit up inta a pie.
I won'ta be avin none a that thar pie, on a'count a thar last one she done, dam well put me orf good an'proper!! I looked at that thar edge o'tha pearsterey crust an the markins looked sorta prity, silly ol' mare 'ad ony made 'em wi er false teeth - I new 'cus I cud see thar speasess where two teeth ad fell orf er plate. Still, she meant well !.
Tha Graffitti boy's ad struck agin an Mabel did arsk me ta clean up the walls afore that thar party nite. Yew just awta' ave seen wot them thar yung devils rote on tha dunny wall - it say:
"What's tha diff'rence atween a PIG an a FOX ?"
"about six pints"
"What dew ya dew wiv' a dorg wiv no legs ?"
"ya take it for a quick drag!!".
Well! Mabel wus a'gittin rite in tha party mood an she arsked Muvver if she cud git er sum bits n' pieces to pritty up thar pub when she went ta Norridge to do er shoppin. Any rate Muver soon got back an' she ad got a new dress on er trip, she say "Oh cum yew on an' tell me what it luks like" - I say "In most plearce's it looks just like ya, saggy and rinkled" -BLAST! I ad'ta git out o'thar way a bit quick afore I got a ding a'tha lug.
Well tha Party nite at tha pub went down well. Douglas Begone Brain footin the bill - so all the willages dun 'im proud an turned up in thar best bib an tuckers, that thar fifty-shillin tailor's in the willage must 'av dun a killin - most on 'em 'av ony got a birfday suit!.
Douglas giv a prize for the mawther ew could pull tha ugliest fearce. In our willage they don't need ta try all that ard. Mabel's youngin cum second, and we in the willage say what's in the bitch cum's out in the pup! Mabel wun fust prize an she won't even in tha competition! I think Douglas took a bit of a shine to Mabel, ee say a'me, arter ee ave ad six pints, ee's never a bin ta bed wiv an ugly woman but cor blimey ee's a woke up with quite a few, they wos is words not mind. Yung an old alike yow gotta ave a laugh int'ya.
We all ad a larst glars o'beer an I din't feel too appy wiv tha way Douglas was a weiyin me up - so I say a'Muvver I recon i´s time we maed tracks. I fink we'd ad our share of excitem'nt fer wun nite dont yuw!
Yuw'll ave to wait y´see for more news frum the willage cuss I'm now orf down to tha pub.
Bye Bye me Beauties
Dew Yew Keep a Good Lite